So, I just finished practicing my ear training stuff for tomorrow's class, and I was thinking that if they made the kids at Kent State do this 1) the students would freak out!!! 2) it would really weed out the ones who couldn't handle it 3) it would prepare them better for futures as educators and performers and 4) i would actually be able to sing and hear shit by now.  This is the assignment for tomorrow we have to do 34 exercises out of the Kodaly Choral Method 333 Reading Exercises half of which are actually written out and we have to do the solfege and hand signs for it.  The second half of the exercises is just rhythms (kind of like sticking examples) and the tell you the solfege for each note.... we don't do solfege on those though... we do the note names for whatever key we're in.  then we have a folk song that we have to do hand signs, solfege and letternames to...  a folk song which in class he sings to us and we have to take dictation to.  and we have a duet to do also.... where when we're singing it he'll clap whenever he pleases and we have to switch parts... =/  we also have to be able to play and sing each part with the other on piano...  we have to do sing all the possible intervals in a d, r, m, s, l pattern.... so like..."do - re, major second, re-mi, major second.... "  and we have to be able to sing the d, r, m, s, l pattern starting on each... but starting on the same note... so we'd sing "do, re, mi, sol, la, sol, mi, re, do" starting on an A then we'd sing "re, mi, sol, la, do, la, sol, mi, re" starting on an A.   yeah sounds easy... but it's not... try it i dare you to.   this is stuff that we NEVER even talked about in undergrad at Kent.  all they would ever do is give us a melody and a month to prepare it and we'd do that... or a play and sing. None of this stuff.  and yes I do hate doing it, but it's helping with some of the problems I have.  It sucks but the more you do it, the easier it gets... i just wish they made us do at least half of this at Kent.  Kent is sooooo stupid.   anywho... that was my bitch fest.  I have to go study for my history exam.  blah.. =)

Things I miss about Kent: (in no particular order)
playing in alot of ensembles
practicing in the band room
andy
rachel
caitlin
wind ensemble
playing my piccolo
dr. gorder
knowing all the professors
knowing how things work
sprite
charlie
chauncey
not fearing for my life during my drive to school
the bars
sex on the beach at ray's  =(
being able to visit my family whenever
knowing where things are
having people to go out with
the lesbian bar...
cindy's couch
my huge apt....

Things I don't miss about Kent: (in no particular order)
the drama
playing in every ensemble (especially flute ens)
being close to my family
having only 12 practice rooms
being told what to do all the time
stupid people
the lack of any performing opportunities...
the attitudes of students and faculty
shitty friends
have i mentioned the drama?
people looking at me weird, because i actually enjoy playing my instrument...
the fact that it's in ohio... boring ohio
having to walk 25 mins across campus to class
having to take nonmusic classes
her
the other her
the fake people
not being able to work on what i needed/wanted to..
the fact that no one cared about any of the ensembles



sometimes i surprise myself.  i hated it at kent... i couldn't wait to get away.  now i'm away and i sort of miss it.   odd.  i never ever thought i would. 

I'm using livejournal instead of myspace from now on.
it's 3:20am and I'm still awake
My cat likes to eat random shit that's on the floor
then puke it up...
I'm frustrated with myself... and my flute.
I miss my piccolo.
I miss Kent Wind Ensemble.
I miss a select group of people from Kent.
I'm glad I'm miles away from other people from Kent.
People don't like to call me back.
My left ring finger hurts.
my fingers aren't numb right now... that's a good thing right?
I need to clean my apt. desperately.
I need to make friends.
new people scare me
I've hidden behind the pieces of that shell that I burst through years ago.
I'm nervous about my lesson tomorrow.
I need to make a decision, but I can't decide.
I don't like the way my room is arranged, but I like having my bed by the light switch....
I need a couch.
my mother frustrates me beyond belief.
I'm glad my brother and I are talking more... even if the Browns are more important.
my pinky toe on my left foot is numb right now.
I need to remember to take my migraine meds... or i'll be sorry later.
I need to go grocery shopping.
I'm afraid I won't make it...
I want to prove her wrong... but what if I don't?
I can't believe she has cancer... she's too young.
Why do i miss kent? I hated it there...
I'm not smart enough.
The way they drive scares the shit out of me.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
the ball fell out of one of my eyebrow rings...
info-mercials are annoying, but addicting.
i think my bookshelf is about to collapse....
i need money
my migraine pill feels like it's stuck in my throat.
i miss his cooking.
i wish i could talk to her.
i'm going to sleep!

So I haven't written in a long time... we'll have to work on that.... I totally just got back from the Melissa Ferrick show at the Grog Shop.   She's soooo awesome and inspiring.. and did I mention.. HOT!  anywho.... I got the set list (yippee) and a poster... both got signed.... I got to meet her for the first time.  I think she's like the nicest person I've ever met.... I'm sooooooooo tired and my ankles are killing me... along with my lower back muscles.... and neck.... and the muscle that i pulled in my chest..... i'm falling apart =(... oh well i had a blast.... and I'm pooped.. and I kinda need to go to class tomorrow.... so I am off to bed... anyone want to join me???? come on you know you want to.... ;)

I've come to learn that I don't have any fucking clue who I am. I thought I had finally figured that out in the last 9 months. I guess I have an idea.... I know I'm a lesbian... but then again I've never seriously been with a guy so how do I know. But every thought that crosses my mind about being with a guy makes me feel like I would be betraying myself. I thought I found the love of my life -- Mary. She doesn't want me anymore. One minute I know what I want to do with my future the next I don't know if I can do it... I want to be a professional flutist in a decent orchestra... but will doing that chase away all the people that are important to me... I don't want to keep losing people like I lost Mary and all the friends I've ever made. I've gotten so used to expecting people to leave me in one way or another. I don't have any friends from the past... I just kind of stopped talking to them. I lost my former best friend, Stef, over something really really stupid... and in all honesty I wasn't there for her when she needed me. Christy really doesn't keep in touch... I've really needed her during this break up, but she's not really there for me. I'm not as close as I would like to be with Cindy, Mary Elizabeth, Tony, and Jeff. Maybe we're not supposed to be close close friends... maybe what I'm longing for in friendship doesn't really exsist. It's not like Cindy, M.E., Tony and Jeff are horrible friends or anything... they're good friends we hang out... and have fun. I dunno... I just feel so alone. I really fucking hate myself alot.... not as much as I did before, but still too much. I need people.... and I do nothing but push them away and talk myself into believing it's their fault... when in all reality it's mine. Why do I keep doing that.... I did it with Mary too... I have no clue why... it's like I would look for things about her or what she did to get upset over... then every time I was with her I let it bother me. They were never worth getting upset about at all... I hate myself for that. I hate myself for letting her get away. I still need her and she's not here... and it's mostly my fault. I will do anything to make that relationship better, but I know it's not going to happen... We'll probably be friends for a while... and then lose touch or something. I miss her companionship alot... knowing that she was going to be there for me. I've never opened myself up to anyone like I did her. I miss Stef too. Her and I were so close... I felt myself changing, and I felt her changing... was that any reason to stop talking to her... no... but instead of supporting her through things and trusting her to support me... I just ran away figuring she was going to do it eventually... so I might as well do it first so it doesn't hurt as bad. I was so stupid. I miss Mandee... yeah we weren't extremely close after high school... but I could always talk to her. We would just pick up right where we left off. I need to call her... I need to talk to her... I need her friendship. I miss Lauren too. I've missed her for months now. I thought I was doing the right thing with backing off on the friendship thing when Mary and I hooked up. They were best friends... I didn't want to get in the way of that... and because I did that I've probably lost a friend. How could I be so stupid???? I need to figure out who I am. I need to get back in touch with some of these people and appologize... I'm sure they don't care anymore... with the exception of Lauren. But, I need to do it for me. to help me hate myself less. I need to make myself believe that people don't hate me. If I push them away they're gunna leave... I think maybe I push them away to see if they really care.... if they'll fight for me. they can only fight for so long.... mary couldn't take it... because I'm an idiot. Why can't I be the person I want to be? Why can't I get away from the person I used to be? Why can't I like this inbetween me? Why can't I fight myself harder? Why can't I love more... others and myself? Why??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? someone help me.... help me find me... I don't think I can do it on my own... I'm trying... I don't know anymore....

My life since the last time I wrote has sucked alot... I feel soooooooooooooooooo lost without Mary. To make things even better she doesn't want to see me. I guess that's the way life goes... I miss her more than anything.... she's the only thing I ever think about. Finding stuff to occupy my time has been really really hard. I'm almost done entering my classical CD library into my computer.... it just gets tedious after a while. I'm going to start on my sheet music soon. That'll take forever. I've rediscovered my love for Logic Problems.... I did them last night until about 5am. It did distract me for a while. It's weird... without Mary I don't feel like I can function... I don't want to do anything... not even touch my flute. Knowing that she probably isn't going to come to anymore concerts or recitals, and not support me makes me not want to do it. I never thought anyone would have that effect on me. I've been married to my flute since I was like 10. Now without her it seems pointless. I seriously hope that that feeling goes away soon... so I can get some serious practicing in this summer. Not the shit that I have been doing. I'm really hungry and don't have much food here. That kinda blows... I heard it was going to be like 500 degrees today so I just don't want to go out. Maybe I have enough money for a pizza and can have it delivered. that would be nice. I need to find stuff to do to keep me occupied. I got an email from Kim (cindy- that's one of the flutists I met in Ireland in case you were wondering...)yesterday and she said that she finished up her DMA (yay Dr. Kim!) and got a job teaching at some small college in the columbus area. So I'll get to see her again. Hopefully I'll be able to visit her and she'll be able to visit me alot. She's working at some summer camp until like July 9th or something. I really wish she was here now. I need to straighten up my apartment.... i just cleaned it but it's getting a little messy (what has gotten into me???? i never want to clean... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Maybe I'll be adventurous and invite the Thursday night crew over for a drunken board game night or something.... could be fun.. what do you think cindy? Damn... one of my Mead-Stick-to-the-wall hooks just fell... now there's a pile of winter jackets purses on the floor in front of my door.... haha that rhymed. If anyone reads this and feels so inclined to bring me food... feel free... I'm poor and hate the heat... yeah anywho... off to see how much money I have....

Well, it looks like Mary and I are over for good. It saddens me. She was the first person to love me and the first person I loved. I wanted her to be the only, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I guess I'll just have to deal with it. I'm just hoping that it will get easier pretty soon. I doubt that will happen. Mary has been good for me. I learned alot from her. These next few days and weeks are going to be hard. I have to find stuff to occupy me. So much for sleeping anymore. I had to take two tylonol with codine and three tylonol PM last night to sleep. Like that's gunna get better now. OK dinner is almost ready... so my final words will be.... I love Mary Jo Nicodemus no matter what happens... we need time off right now. If we get back together we do.... if we don't we don't.... only time will tell... my heart is still broken....

Okay... So I've changed alot as a person  this past year.  Going to Ireland technically on my own... really helped me be more outgoing and self reliant... and helped me develop into a stronger more mature person.  Somehow going to a foreign country by yourself knowing no one does that to you.  I'm glad I went it was one of the best experiences in my life.  Mary.  One of the best things to happen to me ever.  Yet one of the hardest to tell people about.  We started dating in October last year... yet I didn't tell my mom who is like my best friend until I think January.  I didn't tell Christy, one of my closest friends until after that.  The first person I told was Mary Elizabeth, someone I me at the beginning of that semester.  I told her a week after it all started.  I guess it's alot easier to tell someone you're a lesbian when you're not that close to them.  If they decide that they hate you for it and are never going to talk to you ever again then I guess it doesn't hurt as much.  Well, most of the people in my life that are important to me and alot that aren't know by now.  I can bring Mary to parties, concerts, pretty much anything as my girlfriend and not worry about shocking people.  Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to let people know if I would just make out with her in a public place where everyone would see.  I'm so afraid of people's reactions that I would never do that (with the exception of Tony... but I was extremely drunk.. and he doesn't hate me for it now... so yeah...).  Most people who know heard it from someone other than me.  Like Christy told Meredith (I gave her permission to... so it wasn't like she was gossiping or anything...)... Meredith told Kirsten and David and Mr. Larmee and I don't know who else... I think Sprite just knew... (or maybe it was the time Mary, Meredith and I went to go see her band play... I think Mary and I were a kinda clingy that night... I think she knew before that though..) she told Chauncey.  God only knows how some other people found out.  Most people here at Kent that I see day to day are in the know.  I don't think anyone seems bothered by it.  I feel comfortable going anywhere with Mary and showing affection towards her.... she's my girlfriend and I love her.   The only people that I haven't told are my friends from highschool... though I haven't really talked to them in a year...  if they were to call me tomorrow and ask how my love life is going I don't know that I would be able to tell them.  I have no idea how they would react... we did really have much interaction with lesbians in highschool... yeah there were some but we weren't friends with them and never really discussed it.  I'm sure they've come in contact and are friends with some now but I just don't know how they would react to me being one.  Would they see me differently?  Would they still talk to me?  Would they accept Mary?  I know they wouldn't be mean to her... but how would they act around her knowing I was in an active relationship with her? Jessica is on myspace.com... I haven't requested to be her friend... I don't know how she would react... I'm open on myspace.... it's not that I'm not proud of being gay it's just weird when it comes to them...  I just requested a friend add from Lauren A... it was hard to do... but easier than coming out to others.... I don't know how much contact she has with other Kirtlanders from our time there.  I frankly don't know how she's going to react either.... I guess she's a tester for me.  Maybe if she is cool with it.. then I'll add Jessica as a friend and I'm sure the word will get out to Mandee, Bethany, Amanda, Maureen... and god knows who else.  If Mandee finds out and tells her mom or her mom finds out through someone else... the McMurtries will learn and in turn Bridget... I know she won't react very well... at least I don't think so... she was so homophobic in highschool... not that we talk anymore.  We weren't talking all that much when Mary and I started dating and I guess I just figured that Bridget would hate me anyway so I just kind of cut that off.  I don't know if Ben knows or not.  I don't think he would think of me any differently than he does now... It would just be weird if he found out.  I don't know.... Lord knows I won't ever tell my family.  My grandpa would kill me, my aunts would never talk to me not even on the few holidays a year that they do now... I don't know how my Aunt Michele would react.... I don't think she would accept it, but I also don't think she would completely cut off contact.  I don't know.. that's something that I don't plan on finding out anytime soon if at all.  haha maybe someone on my buddy list who doesn't know will actually read my profile and click the link to this and then will find out... hmmm... maybe I should leave a note for them... not like they'll actually read this... but anywho..

If you have found out about my sexual preferences by reading this journal entry or even someother way... just keep in mind I'm the same person that I was before I realized I was gay.  I'm just much happier and more comfortable with myself now.  If you decide that you don't  ever want to talk to me again just because I'm not attracted to boys then fine.  I guess I don't really care... you aren't worthy of my friendship anyway.  I hope you can accept me for who I am and not which sex I am attracted to. 

There that is my statement... I guess that's what I would like to tell those people who give me a weird look or start acting differently when find out about my sexuality... my sexuality is not me.  I am me.  It is a part of me, but not all of me.  I'm happy with it, why should it bother you?  I guess I should stop raving.... if people like me... then they like me.. if they don't... they don't... I guess I shouldn't care if it has anything to do with me being a lesbian or not....

hmmm... this has been a very long weekend. Not long as in boring and slow, but long as in lots of shit going on. Lets see, Saturday was Chauncey's party.. we already discussed that in a previous entry. Sunday was Mary's mom's party. I wasn't sure how i felt going to that. I don't know her mom very well, and her mom's boyfriend, john, frankly just creeps me out. I felt bad because I was supposed to be the DD, but her mom kept giving me drinks and shots and whatever. I got fairly drunk, but I don't think I would have enjoyed myself as much if I didn't. I wasn't planning on it though. We had fun. Mary's little sister is a little bundle of energy. Her mom is okay. John on the other hand.... He was constantly asking me if I thought he was good looking and if I liked him and if Mary wasn't in the picture if ya know.... and sitting on my lap and shit... I'm glad I had quite a bit of alcohol in me becuase if I hadn't I probably would have run away screaming. yeah.r ... I dunno.  Then on Monday Mary and I were invited over to her grandmother's house for Memorial Day lunch.  It was nice.  Her cousins are fun.  Her grandmother is nice as is her aunt.  I just hadn't expected to spend 5 hours there.  I dunno.  Then we went to Illeanette's (Mary's boss at her internship) house with Mary's dog, Peaches, and Heather's dog, Twister.  Illeanette's moving to Florida in two weeks and can't take the dog for a month so is looking for a place to keep her until they get settled down there or someone to adopt her.  Well, Mary was seeing if the dogs could get along and if so she would just take her for a month or so... yeah didn't happen.  Illeanette's dog is the only one in the whole entire world that Peaches doesn't like at all.  Twister was being a wuss and hiding behind mary.  Yeah... that was fun...anywho....

Now it's Tuesday and I've gotta find a job, figure out how to buy toilet paper (napkins from Mary's glovebox aren't really cutting it anymore), cat litter (highly stinky at this point) and food of some sort.... on only like six bucks.  yeah... life blows...  and I've gotta head up to the school to practice for a couple of hours or more.... blah!